Monday, January 30, 2012


#7: Questionnaire: Up To You

I've been trying not to look at him but his eyes keep trailing to me.
He knows I'm aware of it because he chuckles every time I shiver.
Keep smiling. Keep smiling. Keep smiling.
Don't you dare let your eyes trail over to him....
Focus. Focus. Focus.
That damn lip....

           “Hi, honey” I said to one of the Barbz in front of me. Her eyes widened and I could see her body freeze up in shock. I gently took the poster from her hands and signed it as she continued to stare at me in a frozen state. I gave her a small smile as one of the body-guards ushered her down the line after I handed her back her poster. I could see her tears build up as she finally let out a gasp. I averted my eyes from her presence trying not to let my Barbz emotions get to me as the next girl walked. I signed more things only having a brief moment to look up at the person in front of me. “Will you marry me?” I heard a deep voice say as I looked up to hand a young guy his signed poster. I chuckled as I watched him get on his knee, “You're so young, babe!.” I said giving him a little smile as the young 17 year old got up with a hopeful smile still on his face. I could feel Drake's eyes on the us as he took his signed poster from my hands.

I wish Drake would focus on his own stuff.

                I casually glanced down the line at my label mates and let my eyes linger on Drake for a second. Replays of his lips on mine popped into my head. I shook my head to clear my thoughts before bringing my attention back to my work at hand.
We had been signing for a good two hours and we still had awhile to go. We decided to get a mini break for about five to ten minutes. I could here the crowd grumble a little as a few of us stood. I turned towards SB asking for my water as I flexed my hand. I slowly trailed my gaze over all the figures talking as I silently sat in my chair. My eyes ended up landing on a curly head and trailing down the maturely defined features of his face. I continued to trail my eyes down his masculine features towards his lips as he smiled his contagious grin. I felt my self half smile.
                 His tongue sneaked out to swipe at his lips, I bite my bottom lip in reaction, my eyes turning to lazy slits as I watched his mouth move in continuous conversation. My head tilted slightly as he laughed and his eyes closed momentarily.

               “Nicki!” I heard yelled from next to me. I jumped in my chair causing the others to look at me as I turned my head towards SB, embarrassed and irritated. “WHAT!” I exclaimed giving him a look. He gave me a look back as he handed me my water. I tried to calm my blushing face as I accepted the water with a quiet grumbling of thank you. Sb gave a confused and odd look and I rolled my eyes turning from him, still recovering from embarrassment. My pocket buzzed as my phone vibrated. I pulled it out glad to have a distraction. I stiffened staring at the text. I glanced up, the sender was now sitting, having ended his previous conversation. “Don't stare so hard, babe.” I rolled my eyes as he caught my gaze. He smirked in return and I looked away closing the message and setting my phone back into my pocket. I grabbed a permanent marker as the guards announced to the crowd we were starting up again.


                  4 more hours of signing later, we had finally finished. Everyone cheered as the last person left and we all applauded for each other. The guys talked about heading to the club in celebration of a successful day/night. I shook my head in amusement as I gathered my things. “You coming with us, Nic?” Mack Maine asked me glancing as we all walked. “No, I'm going to pass on this one.” “Boo!” some of them chorused. I chuckled and rolled my eyes, “Nigga, please, like you care as soon as you get your drink and chick you're not gonna give a damn!” “Well!” T-Streetz said shrugging in response. I laughed scanning the group as I lingered back some. “We know Drake ain't going since he gotta leave for a show” Wayne stated as he lead the group. I looked around a little for Drake to see his reaction. He casually leaned on the side of the wall as they passed him, “Well you know, man, business first.” He stated, his gaze locked on me as he spoke. I moved my eyes from him and looked at Safaree as he talked to one of the bodyguards walking near my right side a little ahead of me.
            A few bodyguards lingered behind me as I tried to ignore Drake's figure. I messed with the ends of my hair fixing them repeatedly, as we neared him. I tried continuously to get Safaree's attention for help but to no avail.
            I silently neared Drake, watching in my peripheral vision as he pulled off the wall just like I knew he would. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” he asked lowly. “Um...” I said searching again for an excuse. I caught SB's eyes this time and motioned him over with a quick widening of my eyes before looking back at Drake. “Uh, later...I'm going to be late for something....” I started letting my words trail as Sb came closer, “You ready?” I asked Safaree turning from Drake trying avoid finishing my statement. “I guess-” “Let's go.” I made my way from Drake, hitching my purse on my shoulder as I headed near a different exit leaving him behind. A confused Safaree followed behind me. “We had time.” SB stated as we walked up to my car and we both got in. I buckled and started the car as I stated, “I know just....don't worry about it.” I held back my sigh as he continued to look at me before shaking his head knowing I wasn't going to say anything more. He buckled up as I pulled out of the parking lot and made my way back to the hotel.


~A week and a half later~

Studio time, interviews, ustreams, club appearances, performances and photo shoots, that is what my life has been about without rest. To say I'm am relieved to have this break is an understatement. This bed is so glorious to me, the warmth. I've gotten rid of Safaree for the day, which wasn't hard. The house is to myself and I don't plan on leaving it. I haven't even been able to think about having a personal life with all the things I have been doing. I, especially, haven't had time to think about Drake...well, at least I tried not to, he is my best friend after all. He's on his mini tour, luckily, so he didn't have time to pester me about the conversation he was trying to have with me a week or so ago. That wasn't even suppose to happen again. The first time that kissed happened it had turned into a complete disaster when the media found out. A slip up that will never happen again; which was what I told him the first time it was settled...that was of course before the whole Trey incident.... then that second kiss.
I can't handle this I need to stop thinking and just watch this series of Judge Judy I haven't been able to get through, nigga over here in my thoughts wasting my rest time.
This is my day.

               I was drawn from my thoughts by a knock on the door. I sighed getting up grumpily as I made my way downstairs unamused. I looked at the security camera by the front door and my eyes widened at the sight of Drizzy standing there looking right back at me through the camera. “What. The. Fuck.” I stated. I pressed the speaker button, leaning into the mic“What are you doing here?” I questioned confused. “I'd let you know if you'd let me in before the paparazzi figure out I'm here.” He stated still looking directly at the camera as if he could see me. I bit my lip glancing down at my big t-shirt that covered my black thong and bra. “Great.” I stated releasing the speaker button and pressing the button next to it to unlock the front door. I walked into the living room and sat down as I heard the loud buzz echo my house and my front door open and close with a lock. I stared at the blank TV as I listened for his footsteps heading to my living room.
               I could feel his presence as he entered. His scent spread through out the room as I took a breath holding back a shiver. “Hey.” He stated from behind me. “Hi.” I said in a small voice. I could here him take a deep breath as he moved from behind me and sat on the love seat facing next to the couch I had placed myself. We sat in my 'L' shaped living room silent for a few beats before he broke the tense air. “Are we going to talk?” “You came here...” I said trailing off glancing at him and then at the wall behind him. He sighed again and moved to the couch I sat on. He sat on the far corner. “Can you at least look at me, Nicki” he said trying to catch my eyes. My eyes went to his as if on command. I stared up at him through my lashes. I could sense him fighting the temptation of trailing his eyes down my body and focus on my eyes.
                “What are you doing here, Drake?” I asked. I leaned back on the arm of the couch, ankles crossed, and legs occupying some of the length of the couch as he sat at the end of my feet. “I told you we needed to talk.” “Aren't you suppose to be on tour?” “Aren't you suppose to be at the recording studio?” He questioned back. “I'm on break.” I stated with slight attitude. “So am I.” he said eyes locked on mine.
                 We were both silent for a beat staring at each other. I let my eyes travel over before looking back at him. His eyes were lingering on my form trailing the same way mine had before; he met my eyes with a small smirk. I rolled me eyes holding back a un-needed laugh. He was so contagious.
               “So....are we going to talk about it?” “I guess since you're here...” I responded. “Are you going to admit you're in love with me?' he asked his smirk growing. I rolled my eyes. “Drake, don't start with me on that, we've been over this” I shifted in my seat crossing my arms over my chest and turning my head to look at the blank screen of the TV. “I know we have that's why I don't understand how you could just go with Trey and -” “Drake, can we not talk about that...” I asked cutting him off before he could finish. “Why not?” His sudden frustration was noticeable through his posture. “Can we just not...” “I don't understand how you can just fuck him, Nic” His face scrunched up in confusion letting a look of hurt pass over his eyes. “The same way you could hurt me on stage.” I stated back at him blocking my emotions for a moment. “The same way you could let me kiss you again?” he retorted his facial expression changing as he met my eyes with a questioning stare. “I-I...” My mind drew a blank momentarily at his comment before I retorted, “You kissed ME, both times” “You sure as hell didn't stop me” “I was trying to be nice!” I said rolling my eyes with a pout at my lame retort “I'm sure you were, Nicki” he said sarcastically. “Whatever...” I mumbled. “You can't help yourself, huh?” I glanced up at him surprised at what he was saying. My eyes turn to slit as I eyed him. “Are you getting cocky, Aubrey?” I asked with attitude evident in my tone. “In more ways then you can imagine...” he stated letting his eyes purposely travel from my eyes down to my shirt which was riding up from my continuous unconscious fidgeting and arm crossing.
               I yanked at my shirt bringing it down before feeling his hand grab my wrist, seizing my motions. I locked eyes with him ready to snatch my arm back. The longing in his eyes sent shivers down my body and my eyes fluttered involuntarily and he trailed his eyes to my arm where my goose bumps were evident and down to my thigh which held goose bumps as well. He smirked knowingly at me. I finally broke away from the trance I was in and yanked my arm back.
              “You can't help it.” He stated this time, looking directly at me. I stayed silent and looked down at my lap mentally frustrated at myself for reacting to him. “Hey...” he said using one hand to lift my head so our eyes would meet, “neither can I” he stated his voice hitting a baritone as he let the lust drip from his words. I bit my lip unconsciously and felt him tug my lip from between my teeth with the hand that was placed on my chin.
              He trailed his hands down from my chin, down my hair, across my left thigh, down to my calf and gently grasped my ankle. He turned his self to face me fully and uncrossed my ankles. I watched him hazed as he tugged me a little bringing me closer as I slid on my back suppressing my breath momentarily. I breathed out the air as he brought his lips to my ankle and slowly pressed them against my skin. He watched me, his eyes never leaving me as he moved up my body slowly kissing the skin of my leg up to my thigh. He moved his kisses inward as he came closer to my core. I felt him take a deep breath before he moved to my other thigh and kissed slowly and surpassed my core lifting my shirt to kiss my hip bone.
                My mind was in a buzz, a high of some other spectrum. I wasn't even aware you could feel this good with such simple actions.
               He kissed my other hip bone letting his tongue peak from his lips to lick at my salty skin. My eyes fluttered at his action and he finally moved his gaze from me to the tie of my thong around my hips. He nipped at the string snapping it lightly against my skin before using his teeth to slowly untie the left black bow. As the strings fell from his mouth he kissed the spot it had previously sat at and moved to the other hip and untied that one the same way. He locked eyes with me as my breath steadily became heavy and my lids half lazily look at him in curiosity. “Do you want me, Nicki?” He asked his voice deep in a way I had never heard before. I didn't respond due to my euphoria state. He began to move back and I opened my mouth in protest and he stopped his movements and lifted an eyebrow. I closed my mouth and went to speak again but my words caught in my throat. He went to move again and I squeaked out, quietly, “Drake...” He looked at me and saw the look on my face and sighed giving in. He offered his hand as he stood. I grasped it quickly letting him pull me up, my thong traveling to the floor. I looked at it before looking up at him. He licked his lips and pulled me into him and kissed me.
                 My eyes immediately fluttered shut at the passion he projected into it. “Fuck...” I mumbled into his lips as he worked them perfectly. I wrapped my arms around his neck pressing myself into him. He trailed his hands to my ass and squeezed. I moaned quietly into him before he pulled back and said, “Now tell me you don't feel something.” I mumbled under my breath before he pressed his lips harshly into mine and turned us around backing me into the wall near the love seat he had sat on earlier. He pressed me into the wall and he moved his lips down my neck to suck on my skin. “Tell me you want me, Nicki” He said as I tilted my head to give him more access. “I-I...”I tried to get out the words as he had his way with my neck, letting his tongue snake out and taste my skin once more. I let out a light moan as a trail of cuss words left my mouth. “Tell me.” He demanded as he pressed into me more, nipping at my collar bone. “I want you.” I said in one breath. He kissed me again fiercely letting his hand trail down my thigh as he pressed a finger right at the lips of my core, making me let out an immediate satisfied moan at his touch. He moved slowly, stroking as I bit my bottom lip, a moans slipping out from the corners of my lips.
                 “Drake....” “Do you care about me, Nicki?” I moaned as I nodded. “I want to hear you say it, baby” he murmured in my ear as he placed a kiss blow my ear. “Yes, Drake, I care.” I forced out. He rubbed at me at a faster pace. “How much do you want me right now?” He continued questioning me. He was killing me with these fucking questions and he knew it. He was getting me at my weakest point. “I want you so fucking much” I said emphasizing my words as I squeezed my eyes shut in bliss. I felt his fingers slip into me and I arched my back in a natural reaction as a loud moan left my throat. I heard him growl into the side of my neck as he quietly added another finger, creating a speedy rhythm. “Drake...” I moaned at him. “Hmm, baby?” I couldn't get any words to form in order to continue speaking. “Why did you fuck Trey?” he asked his voice turning serious. If I hadn't been in the state I was, I probably wouldn't have answered his sly ass. He knew I that I wanted it all and I would do what was needed to get it. “Drake” I groaned half in pleasure half in exasperation. He speed up and I moaned loudly nestling my head into the crook of his neck. He started to slow down to a painfully slow pace. “Don't-” I tried to get out. “Answer the question, Nic” he requested. 
             “Ahhh...” I managed to get out. “Not an answer, Nicki.” he said slowing down even more. “Fuck! I was tipsy!” I yelled breathlessly. He speed up as soon as the words left my lips. “Was his touches better than mine?” he whispered lowly into my ear as he speed up tremendously. “Fuck, no” I whispered back my head in the crook of his neck. He brought me to my edge before he stopped abruptly. I groaned my face scrunching in frustration as the echo of his small chuckle met my ears. I snapped my eyes open to glare at him but was surprised to see him getting on his knees smirking up at me. He grasped my hips positioning himself between my thighs. I watched as he hitched my leg on his shoulder still keeping eye contact with me. He kissed my hitched thigh keeping his eyes on me while I tried to keep my eyes open once again. He sucked at the skin lightly moving forward, his eyes still on my face. I let my head fall back onto the wall as he looked down at his lap where drips of my wetness landed on his clothed pants leg. He smirked up at me and lifted my shirt up with his other hand as he continued to grasp my thigh.    
               He leaned his head forward and I bit my lip in anticipation but after a few seconds passing I looked back down at him in confusion. To my surprise he grasp my other thigh and hitched my other leg onto his shoulder, pressing me against the wall. I almost grabbed at him, before feeling him steady himself. His hands balanced us on either side of me, holding us steady against the wall as he leaned his head into my core and swiped at me with his tongue.
                  Nothing could compare to the moment as he feasted on my core letting my moans fill the house and my pitch change to new heights. I moaned out incomprehensible things as I grasped his head with one hand pushing him into me. He moved back and looked up at me, letting one of my legs come off his shoulder. He used that hand to press at my core and rub as he asked me to open my eyes. I was breathless as he continued pleasuring me. “Do you love me, Nicki?” I was officially at my weakest point and I just wanted to hit the edge and fall overboard. “Do you love me, Nicki?” he asked speeding up his fingers to in impeccable speed. I moaned the loudest I had so far. “Nicki....” I locked my eyes on him “YES! I LOVE YOU! OKAY!? FUCK DRAKE! I'VE ALWAYS HAD! FUCK! NO MORE QUESTIONS!” He gave me a shit eating grin. I rested my head back onto the wall my head tilted as he speed up even more, my back arching at the pleasure that filled my body.
                “One more question” he stated. I cried out. “Drake!” “You want me, you love me?” I irritated gritted my teeth I couldn't understand what more he wanted to hear. I tiredly stated in desperation “Yes, Drake. FUCK! Yes! Yes, I want you, yes, I love you!” “Then cum for me, baby” he said his voice dripping in sex as he leaned into me and multitask, working his tongue and fingers. I cried out as he hit my g-spot continuously until I finally dived over the edge.


                 He let my leg fall from his shoulder as he licked his lips with a smile. I leaned on the wall spent my legs shaking a little. He stood up and grasped my hands as I tried to move from the wall. “You good?” He asked. “Fantastic.” I stated tiredly running a hand through my hair. I gave my self a moment before moving my weight from the wall.
                 He continued to stare at me but not with the excitement I expected him to, considering he had gotten me to confess just about everything he ever wanted to hair. “What?” I asked quietly feeling a slight self-consciousness only he could get me to have. “Did you really mean everything you said...from the Trey thing to the I love yous?” He tilted his head slightly waiting for my response. I confusedly gazed back at him. “Yea...of course I did, Drake.” He nodded and serious/determined look continued to take over his self-composure.
                  “I want you to come for me, Nicki.” I let a small giggle fall from my lips as I stated, “ I thought I already did that, Drake.” I looked at him playfully, watching as he let a small smile settle on his faith at my amusement before his serious posture occupied his demeanor again. I scrunched my face in confusion. “What are you talking about, Drake?” I asked quietly. “I want you to come after me, Nicki. As much as I want to believe you, you and I both know that you would've said anything at that point.” I was taken back as I asked with a hard laugh, “You want me to PROVE my love for you?” my head rolled a little as he nodded. “Are you serious, Drake?!” I said in a surprised way. “Nicki, do you know how long I wanted to hear you say the things you just told me?” I blinked as I counted up four years.
                   “Four years, Nicki. Can you just do this for me?” He asked. “You want me to come for you..” I restated to him. He nodded once again. “That's it.” He said. I blinked up at him. Seeing me frozen he sighed and grabbed the jacket I hadn't noticed he had brought with him. “That's it, Nicki.” He said again as he looked at me again. I went to say something but no words could form. He gave me another moment before he headed to the door. I followed him slowly watching him. “I love you, Onika.” He stated stopping and looking me dead in the eye. “I need this one thing from you.” He leaned down and pressed his full lips against my forehead and I let my eyes close in that moment feeling all his care and affection. He pulled away from me and walked out after another statement of love.

Until that moment I never realized we never do really say goodbye.
It was always a statement of love and than an exit.
I don't think that will ever change, regardless the situation.

I love you too, Aubrey.” I whispered as he pulled out my driveway and through my house gates.


       Not gonna lie, I wasn't going to update with this chapter because I thought (and still think) it was complete crap. Luckily, I have great writers and friends in TM who encouraged me and practically co-signed this chapter with their verification. 
    I hope you guys like it. Don't forget to comment. I didn't start typing this chapter til the comments reached 5. It was a really slow painful process waiting for it, trust me I felt it as much as you guys did! Thank all of you guys for the consistent reads and comments, it's definitely appreciated. ON A SIDE NOTE: Nicki Followed me on twitter in the time that I last updated and today. 1/24=BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. Anyways, mucho love and thanks for reading! Spread the word!!!! xD

Saturday, January 21, 2012


#6: Flashback: Personal and Professional

I shouldn't be thinking about this right now.
I have so many things I should be going over in my head.
Drake and I get into arguments occasionally and usually everything turns out fine.
I mean what exactly is the significance of this one?
Okay, dumb question.
You can't be mad at me for at least trying to make this seem like a simple problem.
Then again when is anything ever really simple... or easy.

        I could feel the car jerk to a stop, making my thoughts disperse as I tuned back into reality. The yells and screams seemed to come out of nowhere as I regarded the things outside of my window. I could hear the repeated re-soundings and confessions of love from my Barbz outside the window as they began to crowd around the car and throw themselves against it in attempt to get my already obtained attention.

        SB and the rest of the guys got of the car before me while I pasted on a smile. They took time to move the crowd away from the car before SB opened my door. I grabbed his hand as he helped me out the car and I gained my balance.
         I waved at the Barbz as their screams went up another notch at my presence. I looked around at all the ecstatic faces as well as at those who were crying.

This why I do this.
These amazing people are the reason I continue to go throw all the bullshit that happens to the side.

          When I finally got inside I saw Flex sitting at the mic. I smile came across my face at the sight of my good friend. “Nicki, Nicki, Nicki!” He said smiling as he stood to hug me. I brought my arms around him briefly, “Hi babe! How are you” I pulled away genuinely smiling. “I'm even better now that you're here” He stated smoothly. I rolled my eyes holding back a small laugh “Flex....” “I'm just stating truth!!” he said with surrenderence in his tone. I let a small laugh out as he glanced at the clock by the door I had just entered. His eye grew momentarily as he hobbled back to his mic and spoke into it as the song “Rack City” ended. Sb, who had been standing behind me the entire time, tapped my shoulder pointing over to the chairs.

           As we sat, Flex began an exaggerated and enthusiastic introduction of me and cued the applause. With my headphones placed on I leaned into the mic as I called to the awaiting listeners, “What's good!?” “Mama, may I say you look amazing today” I rolled my eyes as I said, “Flex, are you going to keep hitting on me or....cause I thought this was gonna be professional, boo” He smiled hugely as he replied, “You know I can't resist. WHO CAN!?” He let out a huge smile. “Well, ya know...” I said. “Oop, oop, someone's cocky today! Is Roman in the building?!” He questioned loudly. “Hmmm...” I started thoughtfully, “I'm not sure yet, we'll have to see later” I finished as my London accent surfaced. “Well, I guess we will. I'm so glad you're here. I have a feeling this is going to be an amazing interview and I can't wait to get into it.” “Pauz. Me too, Flex.”         
       Flex announced another song as I tried to continue focusing.


            “Wait! So let me get this straight he fell down the entire flight of stairs!?” Flex questioned with another laugh. “Yep, that's what he gets for trying to act like he had game!” Flex laughed harder, “The girl just walked away to, like she didn't see NOTHING.” “Woooow,” Flex said calming himself. “Better luck next time, Twist” he called out. “Now...we've gotten past the business stuff and some generic you know what I've got to do now, right?” He asked.'

             I groaned into the mic “Flex, do you HAVE to do this? I thought you loved me, Flex?” I felt my lip curl as he shrugged and said “Sorry, mama, got to do it.” “Alright...let's get this over with” I said over-exaggeratedly annoyed. “Alright, Nicki...are you dating anyone?” “No.” I said with a bored look. “Okay, are you talking with anyone?” “I talk to people everyday, Flex.” I stated in a smart-Alec way as my voice took a hint of innocence as I blinked at him. Flex gave me a look, “You know what I mean...are you-” “No Flex, I'm not dating anyone or talking to anyone. I don't have a sideman. I'm single. I'm good.”
            “I know you're probably going to say the same thing but....we all got to know specifics...are you dating Drake?” I hesitantly paused when I heard Drake's name as a flood of emotions and memories flashed across my mind.

I could feel the breath on my lips as he pulled away from me.
 I had gotten over my astonishment and surprise and let me my body talk for me instead of pushing him away. 
He brought his hands up my hips, raising my shirt as they traveled towards my chest.
 I held back a moan until I felt his lips on my neck. 
The noise slipped past my lips as I scratched at his back, my leg hitched on to him and he brought one hand down to grasp that thigh tightly.
 He pressed me further into the wall working his lips against my skin as I scraped my finger nails across his shoulders, simultaneously moaning his name. 
“Fuck” he said breathlessly as he pulled his lips away from the skin of my neck and pressed them back to mine.

            “I-uh..” I stuttered. Sb looked at me like I was crazy and Flex looked surprised. “, w-we're just friends...” I said clearing my throat a little at the end. “Okay...” Flex said awkwardly, “We'll be back with some final questions right after this amazing song that Nicki features in with Rihanna called, Raining Men. Don't change the station.”   

          He clicked off as the song began to play and I didn't even look at Safaree as I took my headphones off. “Can I get some water please?” I asked to one of the assistants standing near. I leaned back in my chair as I went over the momentary slip-up that might have just started something huge.


I know I said I was going to do a one-shot but I decide to just type the rest of the chapter and save the one-shot for a time when I'm ultra busy and can't post anytime soon. Just a little hold over/back-up one shot. Nash Stone helped me a LOT with this idea as a matter a fact she helped me with most of it. I had no idea where to go with the flashbacks only the main plot so **applauses for her**.
I promised you guys I would post this before I had to leave for the entire weekend and here it is! I know it is kind of short but I hope it'll hold you over until my competition season chills out since we JUST started.
Thanks for the continuous support! Keep those comments up, Barbz! I see you!



Thursday, January 19, 2012

Side Note: ***Important***

Side Note:
Hey guys! My competition season has started and I have absolutely no time.
I plan on posting a chapter before I leave for my first competition this Saturday but I don't know if that's going to happen.
That's why I'm working on a mini one shot for you guys just to hold you over.
It's already semi-done and I'll work on the chapter itself more next week.
I talked to my co-writer and she even offered to type up a chapter for me while I'm gone!
Unfortunately, I'm very picky about how I write so I turned the opportunity down and I will take full responsibility for any mishaps that goes down!
Hope you guys understand!
Mucho Love!!!



Wednesday, January 11, 2012


#5: Spotlight: Weak Confrontations

         We all gave our last goodbyes and waved at the fans as we walked off the stage. The guys were super hype and I tried to keep on a smile as the came over to hug me occasionally. Safaree came over towards me as I glanced at my feet. “Are you okay?” he asked. I nodded not speaking. I was honestly lost for words. I hadn't expected anything Drake had did on stage and I had no idea if anything was ever going to be worked out by the way he was acting. “Nicki...” Safaree questioned again. “I'm fine, Faree.” I stated looking him in the eyes, “Promise.”
        I headed back to the my dressing room glancing at my feet again as I walked in. “Can I talk to you?” I looked up to see Drake sitting in my makeup chair. I rolled my eyes, “Can you get the fuck out?” I asked my anger shining through as I glared at him. I kept hold of the door motioning for him to exit.     

         “Nicki, listen, I'm sorry” he started saying as he stood. I rolled my eyes once again. “I'm so sure you are, Drake. You can leave now.” I said my face holding it's strong expression. He rolled his eyes walking over to me and tried to loosen my grip on the door. “Don't FUCKING TOUCH ME.” I stated my volume increasing. “Nicki, just listen to me for a second” He said to me. I could tell his patience was already thin but at this point I didn't care. What he did was messed up and he knew it. He went to grab my arm and I quickly yanked my arm back. He sighed and closed his eyes momentarily. “Can we... Just. Talk. Please?” “Oh, now we can talk? So, it's only on your time we can talk, gotcha” I said making a face. “You can turn towards the exit, BRUH” I said giving him a look.

         His nose momentarily flared. “No.” He said staring me directly in the eyes. I glared back at him as we had a silent argument/discussion with our eyes. He shook his head and broke gaze and took a deep breath. “Nicki...I'm sorry.” I looked towards the side of my room as his gaze once again returned to me. “I know....I know I shouldn't have said those things or blown this so out of proportion but I can't help it. You have to understand that. You, if anybody, should know how it feels to give someone your all and then suddenly get left hanging.” I could feel sympathy creep through my posture and I knew he could tell I was really thinking on his words.

He always knew how to read me.
He knows how to get to me.
He always knows exactly what to say and creeps through the crevasses of my walls.
I hated it.
I could never fully ever block him out.

         “I know.” I stated quietly. My hand eased off it's hold on the door when he reached his hand out to grasp my fingers from it. He slowly brought down my hand with his and intertwined his fingers with mine. I didn't even look at him as he did this. I continued looking towards the side of the room. My emotions were getting the better of me and I wasn't liking it.

         “I can't-” I tried saying as my voice cracked. I closed my eyes holding back my tears. I hated being so emotional. “Drake, you need to realize that just like YOU have the freedom to do whatever the fuck you want, so do I. I'm not yours. You can't claim me. Stop treating me like I'm something you can just calls keeps on.” I stated bringing my gaze back to him. I let go of his hand and he reached for it again and brought it to his lips. “I'm so sorry, Nicki, I know. I know better than this. I was just...I'll admit a little tipsy and you know my emotions get the better of me when I drink.” “That's NOT an excuse, Drake!” I said with a bitter small laugh. 

         I pulled my hand from him and shook my head. “No. I need you to leave” I moved around him a little towards the door again and brought my hand to the door knob.

         I felt his presence behind me as a flash of deja vu took over. I felt him let a deep breath out, the air grazing the back of my neck. My body tensed, frozen. I don't know whether my body was just reacting because of how sudden his cool breath had hit my warm skin or because it was him. I could feel my eyes start to flutter as he tried to convince me to just give him a moment.

         I could barely comprehend what he was saying to me and before I knew it his hand was easing my hand off the doorknob and once again intertwining with his.

         He had some kind of control over my body and I was hypnotized by his smooth antics. I felt his other hand shakily make it's way to my hip and pull me back a little's way letting my back make contact with his chest. My eyes fluttered shut as my face scrunched involuntarily. I could feel the movement of his chest as he breathed in and out. His heartbeat was steady against my back. The hand he had tangled with mine was brought around my waist as he half hugged me.
         I started to relax against him. He was manipulating the power he had to always make me feel at ease to get me to stop. I knew this but I couldn't help but let myself fall into his trap. I took a deep breath as his lips brought themselves down to my shoulder and kissed it lightly. “Drake...” I murmured in warning. He didn't respond and brought his slowly up my neck and kissed below my ear. I raked my teeth over my bottom lip softly as my heart speed up a little. “I'm sorry” he whispered into my ear lightly. I felt my head tilt as he kissed back down my neck murmuring his sorrys with each placement of his lips against my skin. The hand that was on my hip slid down the length of my thigh and back up to my hip in a continuation motion never moving forwards or backwards.

         He was so sensual and gentle that I couldn't fight back. I was too relaxed and at ease to even speak at this point. I felt like I was in a high from him and I couldn't get out of it.

         I felt a cold rush between us that made my eyes open and flutter suddenly. Confusion momentarily swept over me until he turned me around. I looked up at him my eyes still hazed, as he brought his hand slowly from my hip towards my face. He let his fingers delicately run over the skin of my cheek and locked our eyes. He un-entwined our other hand and brought that hand up to my neck tilting my head so I could see him more.

         He kissed my left cheek as he apologized and went for my right cheek repeating the gesture. He kissed my forehead and my nose whispering his apologies again and hesitated as he pulled back from my face locking our eyes once again. He leaned his forehead on mine and I could feel his breath on my lips. He didn't say anything for a minute as I sucked in the sincerity of his eyes and previous words. His eyes detached from mine and ran over my face before asking silent permission from me. I felt myself softly nod as my eyes fluttered in nervousness and slight impatience/anticipation. He brought his face closer to mine and let our lips graze together before pulling them back an inch. “I'm sorry” he whispered again, his voice almost cracking but holding it's own. He pressed his lips against mines slowly. A wave of emotions came over me at the sudden change of intensity he placed into that simple kiss. His lips were so soft and the kiss was so brief but it answered so many questions.

         We pulled apart and I gave him a questioning look when both our eyes were opened and locked. I was about to break the silence when a knock on my dressing room door broke our trance. I blinked and stepped back from him letting his hands drop from my face and my hands drop from the soft grasp I unawarely had on the bottom of his shirt. “Um...” I said quietly feeling the awkward air surface. 

         “Who is it?” I called at the door trying to keep my voice from cracking. Our gaze didn't break even though the trance was gone. “It's SB. Are you okay?” “Uh, yea...just...give me a minute.” “Alright,” he said from behind the door, “Hurry up though, we gotta go, YMCMB has a Meet and Greet, in case you forgot”. 
          My eyes widened as well as Drake's as realization came over us. “Shit” He mumbled to himself. “I'll be out in a second just....uh, tell the team I'm on my way soon...potty break” I said awkwardly making a weird face at my excuse. Drake lifted an eyebrow at me playfully and I rolled my eyes at him holding back a small smirk. “Iight, TMI, but I'll let them know. They still waiting for Drizzy's ass anyways” I could here his bitter undertone when saying Drake's name and I couldn't help but feel slightly comforted yet guilty about it. I heard his foot steps walk away and waited a moment before speaking. “So...I guess we better get out there” I stated. “Yea...” Drake said, his tone seeming to hold so much more to say, “I guess so”.

        This one is pretty much my favorite chapter so far. It was really intense to write. This author's note is not to let you know that though, aha. I have an official "Ghost Writer" to help me now. I introduce to you.....Nash Stone!!! 
        She is one of my girls and she will be helping with ideas for my chapters when I ask her too. She isn't going to be actually writing chapters that's still all on me. So yes, all blame goes this way. 
         You guys have been super supportive and helpful and I promise the action and drama is definitely starting now! This was just a taste of what goes down. The flashbacks will be getting more intense as to what specifically led up to that interesting first chapter. "EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED" and with that quote said, I bid you all Adieu.  

Saturday, January 7, 2012



#4: Flashbacks: Domino Affect: Continuation

         I didn't let a tear fall as the last few seconds replayed in my head. I continued staring at the door my mouth slightly agape until a solid enough self-composure was set. I blinked a few times before turning towards my disastrous room. I grabbed up the rest of the things I had missed and placed them in the hamper. I started gathering Trey's clothes and placing them in the pile next to the trash can.
        I made my way over to my tangled up bed and began to rip off the sheets and covers from it and tossed them in another pile. I sighed and ran a hand through my head as Drake's words flashed in my head again. I felt a sob try to make it's way out of my throat and closed my eyes as a low whimper escaped my lips. I shook my head and headed to the bathroom and turned on the shower. I closed the door and took off the clothes I had recently dressed in. I stepped into the shower and stared at my feet letting the argument run through my head again and again and again.

It's been awhile since I felt like this.
 It's been a while since I lost a best friend.
It's been a while since I felt guilt like this.
 It's been a while since I've felt this confused.

           I stood under the heated water for another fifteen minutes before deciding to actually wash and get out. I made my way back into the room with a towel wrapped around my body before hearing a soft knock on the door. “Hold on, please” I said my voice cracking a little. I could feel the irritation growing in me at my weakness. I lotioned my body and put on some Pajamas to be presentable.
          I took my time walking over to the door as another knock sounded. I didn't bother responding as I reached the door. I twisted the lock and pulled against the door while turning the handle. I wasn't exactly looking at the person in front of me as arms wrapped around me.

         As soon as the arms wrapped around my figure I knew exactly who it was and the tears and emotions I had held back began to poor out my features as I practically collapsed in their arms. “It's alright, Nic. You'll be fine” They said into my hair, which was a hot mess considering nothing had been done to it yet. They pulled me away for a second as they stepped into the room pushing me a little way's back and closing the door behind them. Their arms wrapped around me again and I hugged them back.

         “Babe, what happened?” Lauren said after fifteen minutes had passed. We were now sitting on my sheet-less bed. I had myself curled in a ball with my head on Lauren's lap as she pulled the hair away from my face. I stayed silent staring at the wall. I could her momentarily hesitate before she stated, “I saw Trey come from upstairs and then I saw Drake...” I winced at the mention of his name and she felt my brief movement and sighed. “I figured that's what went down after Drake mad dashed out of the house
....especially considering Trey was half naked...” she mumbled the last part but of course I still heard her. I sat up quickly and bellowed dramatically, “It's not like I was dating either one of them! I don't understand what I did wrong! He acts like I made a commitment to him and all this shit when we're best friends and he's just- He's just...AGH!” I stood up and paced. “Calm down, Nic, it'll be fine. You just need to relax-” Lauren tried. “How am I suppose to relax when I'm losing one of my best friends because he can't get over the fact that I'm not with him!? That's not fair, Lauren! It's not fucking fair that I have to watch every fucking little thing I do because I'm worried about how he'll react. THEN FINALLY when I do something just for myself he has to fucking ruin that and now this!!! I can't deal with this, Lauren! You know how much I have riding on me right now!? There is so much shit that has to be done and I don't have time to worry about this!” “Then don't” Lauren said staring at me intensely.

          I stopped pacing in front of her and slowly placed myself beside her, leaning on her shoulder, “I wish it was that easy” I said my voice cracking a little. I covered my face with my hands and tried to put myself together. “You don't have to hold it in, Nicki....go ahead.” As soon as the words left her mouth my tears started up again and drops of water eased from my eyes pooling at my chin before falling onto the fabric of her shirt as I leaned into her more.


         I felt a heavy haze lift from my head as I awoke. I opened my eyes and I squinted as a rasping sound on my door became clear. I groaned before turning over. My face scrunched in confusion at the feel of things around me. I sat up and ooked around my room and saw everything had been neatly placed. I glanced down to see new sheets and covers on my bed. The persistent knocking against my bedroom door broke me from my confusion. I threw the covers from my body and headed towards the door. I opened the door, “Hey?” I said confusedly staring at Lauren and Candi. “Feeling better?” Lauren asked as Candi moved me aside and walked in. Lauren followed behind her with a few bags in her hand. “Um..yea, I guess. How did I-” I started pointing back at my bed. She gave me a small smile and said, “You fell asleep after your little...rant and Candi and I took care of the rest” “Thanks” I said giving them a small grateful smile. “Here” Lauren said handing me the bag, “Candi and I picked up a few things for you.” she glanced over at Candi and rolled her eyes. I turned towards the direction she looked to see Candi laid out on my bed watching tv. I let a giggle escape my lips. Candi paid us no attention as she stared dazed at the tv. I shook my head. “Thanks Lauren” I said smiling a little.      
      “You're welcome! I need to get my stuff from my room and get Terrance so we can get you ready. You have an interview at 10 so I advice you to hurry up and get ready.”         
       As soon as she said that my eyes widened and my mind went into work mode. “Oh my gosh, I almost forgot!” I hectically went around my room grabbing everything I needed for another shower and kicked Candi out of my bedroom. I made my way into the bathroom as Candi called “Fine then, heffa! I'll see you later!” I laughed as I heard the door shut and I started the water. 

 I couldn't focus on him today. 
I am Nicki Minaj after all.
I have far to much to do and do not need to waste my time thinking on boys.
...Or at least that's what I'm trying to tell myself.

 Just in case you didn't know italics usually means inner-thoughts. Unless, I write flashback as apart of the name of the chapter. If that is the case, then Italics BOLD means inner thoughts because of the fact that the whole chapter will be italicized.

**WARNING: Less than 5 comments, no update. I only say this because I know you guys have opinions and I love to hear them. It helps me figure out what you want to see happen next. It's inspiring for a writer to hear their reader's opinions. For those who are commenting, it is definitely appreciated. I'm sending this warning because if I promise to post at a certain time and there aren't much comments I probably won't post because it seems like you aren't that interested in the story. 

Per usual, the next chapter is already written but I like to be a chapter ahead. Any questions tweet me at @itslovedear :]  If you don't have Twitter I'm on Tumblr. Tag your question with CBF Series!

Monday, January 2, 2012


#3: Chemistry: Things Change

            I sat at my dresser as Lauren applied blush onto my cheeks. I stared at myself in the mirror trying to fight the urge to bite my pink painted lips. I didn't understand why things had become so dramatic after that one simple event. Everyone seemed so tense backstage before shows now. It got to the point where I would just sit in my dressing room until I had to go on just to avoid the vibe of the room.
            There was a knock on the door as Lauren finished her final touches on me. She put away her used supplies, as I turned in my chair slightly, “Come in” I said in slight monotone. The door opened a small bit and a rushed announcement of me being needed on stage in ten was given. Before I could respond the door shut and heavy foot steps were heard walking away. I could feel small discontent at the way I was talked to but not enough for me to actually think to far into. I checked myself out one last time and straightened my dress as I stood up from my chair. I ran my fingers through the ends of my hair and rubbed my lips together, blinking at my reflection. “Well, here we go” I mumbled to myself without a hint of enthusiasm. I thanked Lauren and Terrence briefly before heading out the door with my bodyguard and SB. Another worker was there to greet me and escort all of us to the stage area and through some brief collisions of fans who I smiled and waved at.

               When we arrived at the stage I could see Drake rapping towards the crowd as they screamed in reaction. I bit my lip briefly watching the interaction before being tapped on the shoulder by someone. I turned my head quickly as if being caught before realizing it was just a backstage assistant handing me a mic. I thanked them as the beginning notes of Up All Night began to play. I looked back at Safaree and he nodded to me in encouragement. I swiftly motioned him with my eyes to come stand beside me. He gave a sideways glance before making his way over to me. “You okay?” he said as soon as he was in my hearing distance. I gave him a look and he mumbled “Right, dumb question...” “They should've changed the set by now” I said monotonously. “Well, Nic, this is your job-” I glared at him. “I know what my fucking job is, so you don't need to tell me. But when I fucking tell you to make sure they change the set, why don't you do your job and listen. How about you fucking make THAT happen.” I seethed at him with intensity. Before he could respond the stage assistant told me to go. I hadn't meant to blow up at him but the pressure of this performance was to much. YMCMB held their breaths every time Drake and I were around each other. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of that now because I had a show to put on.

                 The lights were hot on my flesh as I walked on stage “Uh! Yo, if Drizzy say get her, I'm-a get her! I got that kind of money, make a broke bitch, bitter” I rapped while my eyes adjusted to the brightness around me. I could feel the crowd's energy and absorbed it as I began to get more into it. I made my way around the stage avoiding where Drake was standing as well as his gaze.

Gosh, I hate when he's staring like this.
It's even more intense than last night.
This has to stop.

                  I made my way over to him still not making eye contact. I pretended to get even more into it as I stood next to him. I couldn't even keep my thoughts straight while standing next to him. I couldn't concentrate on my words. The only thing I could think about was him. I wondered if he was having as much trouble as I was or if he was even thinking about what went down. Luckily, while in my trance I finished my part of the song and made my way back to the left side of the stage. I reached out towards the fans that shouted in admiration at me. I smiled at them as Drake continued to work his way around the stage. I through in my little comments and echoes as he sang the chorus.
                  I stood up and made my way to center stage as he sang the chorus one last time before ending the song. “How's everybody doing tonight?!” I said into the mic over-exasperatedly. The crowd roared and I couldn't help but let a smile slip onto my face. I glanced from the corner of my eye and saw Drake making his way towards the side of the stage. “Give it up for Drizzy Drake” I spoke into the mic as I watched him. He paused for a moment before turning to the crowd and waving with his shit eating grin. I almost copied it before catching myself and turning myself back towards the audience, letting him leave.

                 I continued on with my set and by the last song I had Wayne out with me rapping some old school songs he had done with me. When we had finished Wayne called out the rest of Young Money as the intro to Bed Rock played. The crowd went crazy, considering it had been years since we had all performed Bedrock together. I looked at my team on stage as they all rocked out with the amazing crowd and I couldn't help but momentarily forget the things that bothered me and just have fun. I danced around a little bit and laughed at some of the wild antics the guys did until it was my turn to take center stage and rap. As I finished Drake walked up beside me and I knew everyone expected us to interact the way we usually did. I tried to at least somewhat partially be professional and I could tell he was trying also, but it came out awkward and tentative and the team as well as the crowd could tell.
                As the chorus came back around I moved to the far end of the stage by the DJ and moved with the music, mouthing the words as I rocked my hips back and forth. I felt someone walk up near me but I knew it was just one of the guys. I smiled turning my head to see who it was. My smiled became fake as I saw it was Drake and I quickly turned my head back to the crowd as Tyga started his part. I felt his arm wrap around me and press in from behind me. The crowd went buck wild as my breath hitched momentarily at his proximity. He kissed down my neck and the crowd's screams began to grow even louder. My breath grew heavy and my eyes fluttered for a second as he had his way with my neck for those few seconds. I felt his hold on my waist tighten even more as a low noise escaped my throat. His gripped tightened even more as he pulled away from my neck and brought his lips to my ear. Soon the intense pressure of his arm began to become a hurtful pressure and my face scrunched as his breathing lingered in my ear. “This is what friend's do right?” He whispered lowly with a hint of anger lingering in his voice. He gave my neck a long kiss before letting me go and walking back over to the guys as if nothing had happened. My body was immovable from shock and I stood there and watched him smile at the crowd and dance with Lil Twist. I blinked a few times before pasting a smile on for the crowd and walking over to the other end of the crowd by Wayne and touching hands with the crowds once again.

It's amazing how situations can change a person.
It's amazing how a few days can affect a performance.
It's amazing how something that seems so nonchalant can affect such an important part of your life.